So I realized today that there haven't been any new Life Lessons for the month of December 2011. Rather than have my 2 faithful followers (big shout out to Clark!) believe that I am slacking in my blog writing/life lesson duties, I thought I would write down a few of my thoughts and other odds and ends I've learned as we wrap up 2011. And as I wait for the Lunesta to kick in.
Sometimes you find the life lesson, and sometimes the life lesson finds you. This month is a perfect example of that. And if I don't write them down immediately in my handy iPhone, I will most likely forget them.
You have to set boundaries with some people.
I am totally in love with my absolutely outrageously expensive Rimowa suitcase and have no regrets about buying it. In fact, I love it so much, I would marry it, but I'd probelly have to go to Vegas for that. And we all know how well my last Vegas wedding turned out.
Crown and Dr Pepper is actually a pretty decent beverage.
I also feel like this is the proper forum for declaring my personal goal for 2012: Stop fucking with people just because I'm bored. This is a very bad habit of mine (shocking I know!). And by "fucking with" I actually mean "mindfucking" "manipulating" "poking with the proverbial stick" and/or "otherwise toying with for my own amusement." And by "people" I actually mean "boys." Yes, I know this is one of my special talents. I know it guards against early onset dementia by keeping the mind agile. And yes, it also provides an endless source of amusement and entertainment for my friends and I. But, referring to Aunt Jessie's Life Lesson #36 , we've already established that boys are stupid. So it's not really a fair match, and more importantly, think of all the energy I'll conserve!
Yes, I can see some of you shaking your heads (others weeping in relief), and I know it'll be a work in progress. Old habits (especially the fun ones) die hard, but I'm going to give it a shot.
Welcome to 2012!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Things That Keep Me Up At Night
Oftentimes when I can't sleep, and it's too late to take ambien/lunesta/tylenol PM, I am hounded by certain profound thoughts. Where else to keep track of these, besides a blog about my life lessons?
1. Mr. Fingers. Does this screen name EVER actually work for anyone on a dating site? And what kind of guy thinks that this would work? What kind of woman does it work for? I find it slightly disturbing.
2. Who ever started the misconception that roosters only crow at dawn? Or is it only roosters in this country that are mixed up and crow all night long? And if I go outside, what are the chances that I can catch that bastard? Would I have the guts to strangle him and hide the body?
3. How to manipulate time, space, and people to get what I want. (also linked to #4)
4. What do I want? And more importantly, if I get what I want, will I still want it?
5. If a pregnant lady gets bitten by werewolf/zombie/vampire, will the baby be born a human or a werewol/zombie/vampire?
6. What is the worst baby name in the world, and why do most of them seem to come from people with whom I went to high school? Maybe it was something they subliminally taught us public school and therefore another reason I shouldn't have kids. I might come out with a Cayenne Pepper or Georgia Liberty.
7. Games the Universe plays. Such as reading a Bukowski poem that mentions an author I've never heard of, only to realize that I just bought the very book mentioned. Or getting into a cab which is playing a DVD based on a book I read (and loved - one of my top 5 favorite books ever) in college, which is based on a true story about the exact country and city I just arrived in.
1. Mr. Fingers. Does this screen name EVER actually work for anyone on a dating site? And what kind of guy thinks that this would work? What kind of woman does it work for? I find it slightly disturbing.
2. Who ever started the misconception that roosters only crow at dawn? Or is it only roosters in this country that are mixed up and crow all night long? And if I go outside, what are the chances that I can catch that bastard? Would I have the guts to strangle him and hide the body?
3. How to manipulate time, space, and people to get what I want. (also linked to #4)
4. What do I want? And more importantly, if I get what I want, will I still want it?
5. If a pregnant lady gets bitten by werewolf/zombie/vampire, will the baby be born a human or a werewol/zombie/vampire?
6. What is the worst baby name in the world, and why do most of them seem to come from people with whom I went to high school? Maybe it was something they subliminally taught us public school and therefore another reason I shouldn't have kids. I might come out with a Cayenne Pepper or Georgia Liberty.
7. Games the Universe plays. Such as reading a Bukowski poem that mentions an author I've never heard of, only to realize that I just bought the very book mentioned. Or getting into a cab which is playing a DVD based on a book I read (and loved - one of my top 5 favorite books ever) in college, which is based on a true story about the exact country and city I just arrived in.
Life Lesson #15
When you meet someone for the first time, and they tell you that they are an assistant to [insert high ranking title here], it is best to clarify the exact meaning of "assistant" and the nature of the positions before taking the relationship to a more personal level. Especially if this occurs in public.
Unfortunately, this is another situation where my typical defense (i.e. - honest or pretend ignorance "I swear I had no idea!") won't get you very far.
Unfortunately, this is another situation where my typical defense (i.e. - honest or pretend ignorance "I swear I had no idea!") won't get you very far.
Life Lesson #14
So I was planning on writing this great and uplifting blog about getting past disappointments in life, seeing them as opportunities, blah blah blah. And then a funny thing happened. As I was writing it in my head (see also: Things That Keep Me Up At Night), I realized that no matter how old you are, or how you may try to prepare yourself for disappointments, they still suck.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Life Lesson #8
There are some things and some people in life that you will just never understand. And shit happens. And easy come, easy go.
The sooner you accept these little pearls of wisdom as facts of the Universe, the less stressful your life will be. And less stress = fewer wrinkles. So it's a win-win situation.
The sooner you accept these little pearls of wisdom as facts of the Universe, the less stressful your life will be. And less stress = fewer wrinkles. So it's a win-win situation.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Life Lesson # 75
Always lock your doors. Car doors, house doors, dog doors, doors to your inner thoughts.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Running with the Devil
Running with the Devil
You look so sweet and disheveled
An angel who accidentally wandered out of heaven
Only to find herself in the gritty real world of Man on Earth - a little surprised, a little thrilled.
Turns out it was no accident you wandered out the pearly gates
You knew that Out There was Something Different
You were bored with the perfection and the gossamer gowns.
You possess two things that no good angel has: curiosity and a sense of adventure.
And so you escaped.
The problem is now you don't know how to get back to where you started
You aren't even sure you want to go back.
You have discovered that unlike the other angels you revel in the chaos.
The opposite of heaven makes you feel more alive
And you don't want to give that up for some peaceful old cloud.
And so you stay.
I see you sometimes, running with the Devil these days
Dangling over the edge and rolling in the muck of life.
Somehow you have kept your kindness and a streak of innocence - only God knows how.
You run with the Devil, throwing back shots, daring him ever Onward
But you don't know anymore if you are running to help him chase the Souls of Man
or maybe you chase the Devil's soul for God
or maybe you are just trying to lose your own.
And so you run.
You look so sweet and disheveled
An angel who accidentally wandered out of heaven
Only to find herself in the gritty real world of Man on Earth - a little surprised, a little thrilled.
Turns out it was no accident you wandered out the pearly gates
You knew that Out There was Something Different
You were bored with the perfection and the gossamer gowns.
You possess two things that no good angel has: curiosity and a sense of adventure.
And so you escaped.
The problem is now you don't know how to get back to where you started
You aren't even sure you want to go back.
You have discovered that unlike the other angels you revel in the chaos.
The opposite of heaven makes you feel more alive
And you don't want to give that up for some peaceful old cloud.
And so you stay.
I see you sometimes, running with the Devil these days
Dangling over the edge and rolling in the muck of life.
Somehow you have kept your kindness and a streak of innocence - only God knows how.
You run with the Devil, throwing back shots, daring him ever Onward
But you don't know anymore if you are running to help him chase the Souls of Man
or maybe you chase the Devil's soul for God
or maybe you are just trying to lose your own.
And so you run.
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