End of Year Detritus

So I realized today that there haven't been any new Life Lessons for the month of December 2011.  Rather than have my 2 faithful followers (big shout out to Clark!) believe that I am slacking in my blog writing/life lesson duties, I thought I would write down a few of my thoughts and other odds and ends I've learned as we wrap up 2011.  And as I wait for the Lunesta to kick in.

Sometimes you find the life lesson, and sometimes the life lesson finds you.  This month is a perfect example of that.  And if I don't write them down immediately in my handy iPhone, I will most likely forget them.

You have to set boundaries with some people. 

I am totally in love with my absolutely outrageously expensive Rimowa suitcase and have no regrets about buying it.  In fact, I love it so much, I would marry it, but I'd probelly have to go to Vegas for that.  And we all know how well my last Vegas wedding turned out.   

Crown and Dr Pepper is actually a pretty decent beverage. 

I also feel like this is the proper forum for declaring my personal goal for 2012:  Stop fucking with people just because I'm bored.  This is a very bad habit of mine (shocking I know!).  And by "fucking with" I actually mean "mindfucking" "manipulating" "poking with the proverbial stick" and/or "otherwise toying with for my own amusement."  And by "people" I actually mean "boys."  Yes, I know this is one of my special talents.  I know it guards against early onset dementia by keeping the mind agile.  And yes, it also provides an endless source of amusement and entertainment for my friends and I.  But, referring to Aunt Jessie's Life Lesson #36 , we've already established that boys are stupid.  So it's not really a fair match, and more importantly, think of all the energy I'll conserve!

Yes, I can see some of you shaking your heads (others weeping in relief), and I know it'll be a work in progress.  Old habits (especially the fun ones) die hard, but I'm going to give it a shot.

Welcome to 2012!

Things That Keep Me Up At Night

Oftentimes when I can't sleep, and it's too late to take ambien/lunesta/tylenol PM, I am hounded by certain profound thoughts.  Where else to keep track of these, besides a blog about my life lessons?

1.  Mr. Fingers.  Does this screen name EVER actually work for anyone on a dating site?  And what kind of guy thinks that this would work?  What kind of woman does it work for?  I find it slightly disturbing.

2. Who ever started the misconception that roosters only crow at dawn?  Or is it only roosters in this country that are mixed up and crow all night long?  And if I go outside, what are the chances that I can catch that bastard?  Would I have the guts to strangle him and hide the body?
 

3. How to manipulate time, space, and people to get what I want. (also linked to #4)

4. What do I want? And more importantly, if I get what I want, will I still want it?

5. If a pregnant lady gets bitten by werewolf/zombie/vampire, will the baby be born a human or a werewol/zombie/vampire?

6. What is the worst baby name in the world, and why do most of them seem to come from people with whom I went to high school? Maybe it was something they subliminally taught us public school and therefore another reason I shouldn't have kids. I might come out with a Cayenne Pepper or Georgia Liberty.

7. Games the Universe plays. Such as reading a Bukowski poem that mentions an author I've never heard of, only to realize that I just bought the very book mentioned. Or getting into a cab which is playing a DVD based on a book I read (and loved - one of my top 5 favorite books ever) in college, which is based on a true story about the exact country and city I just arrived in.

Life Lesson #15

When you meet someone for the first time, and they tell you that they are an assistant to [insert high ranking title here], it is best to clarify the exact meaning of "assistant" and the nature of the positions before taking the relationship to a more personal level.  Especially if this occurs in public.

Unfortunately, this is another situation where my typical defense (i.e. - honest or pretend ignorance "I swear I had no idea!") won't get you very far. 

Life Lesson #14

So I was planning on writing this great and uplifting blog about getting past disappointments in life, seeing them as opportunities, blah blah blah.  And then a funny thing happened. As I was writing it in my head (see also: Things That Keep Me Up At Night), I realized that no matter how old you are, or how you may try to prepare yourself for disappointments, they still suck.

Life Lesson #8

There are some things and some people in life that you will just never understand.  And shit happens.  And easy come, easy go.

The sooner you accept these little pearls of wisdom as facts of the Universe, the less stressful your life will be.  And less stress = fewer wrinkles.  So it's a win-win situation.

Life Lesson # 75

Always lock your doors.  Car doors, house doors, dog doors, doors to your inner thoughts.

Running with the Devil

Running with the Devil
You look so sweet and disheveled
An angel who accidentally wandered out of heaven
Only to find herself in the gritty real world of Man on Earth - a little surprised, a little thrilled.

Turns out it was no accident you wandered out the pearly gates
You knew that Out There was Something Different
You were bored with the perfection and the gossamer gowns.
You possess two things that no good angel has: curiosity and a sense of adventure.

And so you escaped.

The problem is now you don't know how to get back to where you started
You aren't even sure you want to go back.
You have discovered that unlike the other angels you revel in the chaos.
The opposite of heaven makes you feel more alive
And you don't want to give that up for some peaceful old cloud.

And so you stay.

I see you sometimes, running with the Devil these days
Dangling over the edge and rolling in the muck of life.
Somehow you have kept your kindness and a streak of innocence - only God knows how.

You run with the Devil, throwing back shots, daring him ever Onward
But you don't know anymore if you are running to help him chase the Souls of Man
or maybe you chase the  Devil's soul for God
or maybe you are just trying to lose your own.

And so you run.

Life Lesson #35

Don't dumb yourself down for boys.  Seriously, not only will you regret it, but you will be bored in the meantime.  You might get called arrogant, pompous, or cocky.  I call it awesome.

Life Lesson #101

Don't poke the tiger in the cage.  Seriously.  Figure out what your personal tiger is, put it in its cage, and leave it alone.  Don't mess with it.

Life Lesson # 20

Grey Goose goggles are WAY worse than beer goggles.  I think its all those little feathers getting in your line of vision.

Life Lesson # 28

Save yourself some trouble.  The first time someone shows you who they are, just go ahead and believe them.

Life Lesson # 6

A wise man once gave me this tidbit of information, and it has served me well.  There is a huge difference between stupid and malicious.  Both can be frustrating in their own way, but must they be dealt with differently.

Life Lesson #18

It's good to have a secret weapon in high places.  Especially if he bites his nails.

Life Lesson #5

Always have an escape plan.  This usually entails driving yourself, having a go-to excuse ("I am just swamped with work/school right now" is perfect - there is no limit to the number of times it can be used, nobody can call you on its truth, and you never have to actually produce any evidence), a fake boyfriend, a code word to text your friends so they can call with an "emergency."

This life lesson can also apply to other aspects of life such as field trips and sucky jobs.

Life Lesson # 27

Mall dates after the age of 13 are a no-go.  Who wants to go shopping with a boy anyway? 

Life Lesson # 92

What do we do with stupid boys?  We ignore them until they come to their senses (or not).

Life Lesson #39

Don't judge a lady by her lovers.

Life Lesson # 30

Sometimes when you wake up with gum in your hair, all you can do is take a pair of scissors, cut it out, and move on.

Life Lesson #44

If someone snores, it's okay to:

a. punch them
b. stick your fingers in their nostrils
c. shove a dirty sock down their throat
d. poke them in the side until they either wake up or roll over
e. put a pillow over their head
f. any combination of the above

In some countries this is also an acceptable defense for homicide.

Life Lesson #38

Things it is okay (and perhaps even encouraged) to ask on a first date:

(For ease of reference, I've split them into 3 categories: questions to ask on dates in the US, questions to ask on international dates, and questions that should be asked regardless of location/nationality.)

Dates within the US:
1. Do you live with your parents?
2. Are you a virgin?

Dates outside the US:
1. Do you live with your wife?
2. Do you/have you partaken of hookers?

Any date:
1. How much anime do you watch per week?
2. Do you like Harry Potter erotica?

Also, make sure you check out his nails on the first date (see nail theory)

Life Lesson #50

No matter how dull (you think) your life may be, nobody really wants to hear about it. The only thing more boring than your own dull life is listening to someone else talk about about theirs. Most importantly, never tell potential dates that you have nothing to do besides work. I mean honestly, if you can't keep yourself entertained, how in the world are you ever going to keep ME entertained?

Okay, back to you: Unless you tell them, nobody will ever know that you spent all weekend eating cookies and watching a Greek marathon and pretending your phone isn't working so you don't have to leave your house.

Life Lesson #33

Someone always has it worse than you. This is an acceptable reason for traveling often - to remind yourself how lucky you are.

Life Lesson #12

Make sure you aren't (temporarily) blinded by the color red. This is a serious medical condition that makes you overlook red flags.

Life Lesson #114

Choose your battles. The effort you put in should be less than or equal to the benefit(s) out. Winning isn't everything, especially if you look at what you just wasted so much time/effort/thoughts on and realize its just one of those giant amusement park stuffed animals.

Life Lesson #4

There are plenty of perks to having an imaginary boyfriend. He will never not call/call too often/irritate/annoy/smother/embarass/play hard to get/play too easy to get. He will always know what you mean/want/don't want and will take the blame when you want to stay in on a Friday night without looking like a loser. Additionally, he's just the right amount of jealous to get you out of unwanted attention from a Thugnasty.

Life Lesson #54

Good grammar counts, and is especially helpful when weeding out potential sources of entertainment (aka - boys). Good grammar indicates an attention to detail that will serve you well. Of course, never point out someone's bad grammar, unless they are as grammar-centric as you. Then its okay to mock them ruthlessly, but be aware that your turn will come. This also helps build a bond with other grammar nazis, as you ridicule the grammar careless.

Life Lesson #98

Fortune favors those who act. And if not, at least you'll go out with a bang, which usually leads to a good story.

Life Lesson #22

The fact that you have great parents (and phenomenal aunts) should make this life lesson irrelevant, but I wouldn't be doing my duty if I didn't include this in my list of Life Lessons: Under no circumstance should you allow yourself to be that girl who needs a boy to feel complete. Be a complete person by yourself. As you get older, you'll meet girls like this. Hopefully you'll shake your head in wonder and be happy you're not her.

Life Lesson #100

The more time you spend talking with a boy is inversely proportional to how much you'll continue to like him. I haven't done any scientific research, but I think it may have something to do with the well-known fact that boys are dumb. They do however make great pets, and everyone should own one.

Life Lesson #47

When the dancing starts, and you're expected to stay sober, you're allowed to leave. And quickly, without saying goodbye.

Life Lesson #37

When traveling, the skinniest person has to take the middle seat. No exceptions.

Life Lesson #11

Money might not buy happiness, but not having it will make you miserable. Think about this when you decide to be a janitor instead of an investment banker.

Life Lesson #2

Always travel Republican.

Life Lesson # 40

A clean start is sometimes just what the doctor ordered. Trust me, I've done this 3-4 times already.

Life Lesson #17

For every 3 books you read from your usual genre, read one from a completely different one and one non-fiction. You might learn something, and if not, at least you look smart reading it.

Life Lesson # 21

Coddle your inner child and don't be afraid to bribe her. We all have to do things we don't want to do. It helps knowing a new iPod shuffle, Dairy Queen, and/or that new coffeemaker await you at the end.

Life Lesson #3

Make sure there is no hard evidence - written or photographic. And no witnesses who have less to lose than you.

Life Lesson #9

So this isn't really a life lesson, except to remind you to always make sure you either have your keys or the door doesn't lock behind you. Otherwise you may be forced to climb out a window, over a 6-foot wooden fence, and through a dog door to get back into the house. I'm just saying.

Life Lesson #99

Sometimes when you think your life sucks, its just the jet lag talking.

Life Lesson #31

There are times in your life when you'll pause, take a look around you, and wonder "Is this really my life?" Enjoy these moments because not everyone has them. It also means you're doing something right. Unless of course you're in TSA custody/an unknown city/lost your phone and ID/have a mysterious black eye (not that these examples refer to me in any way). In these cases, you've probably done something wrong, but don't worry, it'll eventually be a funny story which is sometimes just as important.

Life Lesson #13

Sometimes all you can do is eat candy and stare off into space to pass the time.

Life Lesson # 10

If I go nuts and off myself, make sure my obit says something cool like "died fighting pirates."

Life Lesson #53

Just remember that being a little chubby helps fill out the wrinkles and keeps you looking younger. Also Botox helps with that, too.

Life Lesson #102

It's never good to see an email from your mother in your inbox titled "Facebook."

Life Lesson #56

Never underestimate the stress management value of new shoes and panties. Trust me, they're cheaper than therapy.

Life Lesson #25

In real life, you don't need to know math. If you wait long enough, someone else will always do it for you.

This life lesson actually works well for a lot of things you don't feel like doing yourself*: changing a tire, answering the phone, and cleaning up after yourself (this works better if you have a roommate or a maid).

* This list will be updated as required.

Life Lesson #41

Always, always, always delete your ex's phone numbers ASAP. Trust me, your best friends Rum and Coke will make you do terrible things with these numbers and then leave you to deal with the damage control all on your own. That being said, it is also important not to memorize your boyfriend's phone number, so that these same best friends don't tell you its a good idea to try and call him.

Life Lesson #132

Always take something to read anywhere you go. That, or you'll be stuck eating candy and staring off into space.

Life Lesson #32

If you ever find yourself saying," We're so Sammie and Ron," that's a relationship you don't need to be in.

Life Lesson #1

Aunt Mollie and Aunt Jessie will always love you, no matter what. You can call us when you need to, and no matter where we are or what we're doing we'll be there. Even if it means coming with bail money.

Life Lesson #7

Behind even the stinkiest of men, there could be a good guy who brings you a birthday cake. But that doesn't mean you should throw out the air fresheners.

Life Lesson #36

Boys are stupid. Wait as long as possible to date because they'll just screw with your mind.

Life Lesson #19

Be especially careful when drunk texting that you don't accidentally send it to the wrong person. Like your mother.

Life Lesson #34

A highly contagious disease is handy. It will get you out of just about anything. Plus you don't actually have to have it. People just need to think you do. Same goes for explosive diarrhea.

Examples include: Swine flu, Bird flu, really anything with "flu" in the name.